Lessons From Emmy

I've been writing this post in my mind for over a month now, basically since the first few days I spent with Emmy on the outside. As a planner and someone who likes things a certain way, becoming a mom has been quite a change. From my baby arriving 9 days late, to challenges described below, life has been a bit different from the way I pictured it. Amazing, but different. I thought about various ways I could structure this post, and in the end, what you'll find below is simply paragraph length clips of our first weeks with Emmy. Think of it as me journaling some things I'd like to remember. These confessions are deeply personal, so read on only if you have a gentle, understanding spirit. Otherwise this is not for you.

Rose-Colored Glasses Aren't Flattering Anyone

Having a baby is hard. I don't just mean the physical act of pushing a baby into the world, which will be a post all on its own. No, I mean those first days, weeks even, when you suddenly realize that everyone with children deceived you. Everyone tells you it will be hard, but nobody accurately captures how terrifying and exhausting it really is. You go from being pregnant, napping whenever you want with no guilt, eating which automatically feeds the baby, taking a dozen "last date night for awhile" dates with your man, to suddenly being more physically drained than you thought possible, having the worst cramps of your life, and being responsible for a tiny person who depends on you for everything. Add in crazy hormones and it's pretty much the hardest thing in the world. Now, I can see why people want to sugarcoat that fact. First, no one would have kids. Second, it doesn't last that long, and much like childbirth, the pain fades and you forget. But I wish someone had warned me, truly warned me, that I would need help. I felt like a failure and wondered if I was cut out to be a mom for that first week because no one had told me it's normal to feel like you don't have a clue, and to wonder if you were doing things right. Like I said, that does fade, but now that I know, I'll be that friend who brings over meals and holds the baby for a few hours just so the mom can take a shower and sleep for more than 30 minutes. Let's stop hiding behind perfect pictures of napping newborns on Instagram and admit that becoming a parent is overwhelming. Thankfully the love you have for your new baby is equally overwhelming and makes it all worth it.

Your Best Might Not Be What You Planned

I'm hesitant to even write this because it's still painful, but when I was pregnant, I was so sure that I'd nurse my baby that I was too proud to have formula, bottles, or pacifiers on hand. It's got to be the most natural thing ever, so why would I need a backup plan? When Emmy was placed on my chest immediately after birth, it didn't take long for her to start rooting. She got right in place and looked like she was going to latch, but she couldn't seem to get a hold. Hours later, nursing continued to be a nearly impossible struggle. She'd latch, gum on me for awhile in such a way that I wasn't sure she was getting any food, and then she'd fall asleep again. First we tried hand expressing and spoon feeding, but after realizing that wasn't going to be enough, I asked my mom to run to the store and get formula. At that point, I didn't care that "breast is best" or any of the other nonsense I'd let myself believe when I was pregnant. In the end, when you have a hungry baby in your arms, feeding them is best. We later found out that Emmy had a tongue tie, and even after a revision, she has never had a successful latch. It's taken a lot for me to accept that she may never nurse. It was a hit on my pride as well as my dreams. Today, at her one month appointment, we found out Emmy is in the 85th percentile for length and weight. Maybe I had to change my plan and give formula before I was able to pump and bottle feed as we are now, but hearing how healthy she is and how well she is growing is my new pride and joy. All that matters is that you're doing your best for your baby.

You Can't Account for the Postpartum Hormones

Although I have nothing but praise for the birth center where I delivered, there is one thing I'd change. I went into labor around 10pm and labored all throughout the night, delivering the next morning. Then I was awake all day with my newborn, and discharged that afternoon. The theory is that when you sleep, you should be home to sleep so you can really rest. Well, when Dan and I arrived home with our tiny baby, we were deliriously exhausted and starving (I vaguely remember trying to eat spaghetti while holding Emmy). Once we had eaten, it was time to get that recovery sleep. Great idea, right? Except when we tried to sleep, I realized that I couldn't put Emmy down. The very idea of Emmy not being in someone's arms made me panic and rest wouldn't come. You see, my plan was that Emmy would sleep in a bassinet by our bed, and I had never considered that I might not be thinking rationally after giving birth. My amazing mom came over to stay with us and she, Dan, and I took shifts for five nights so that Emmy was always held. Call me crazy, but that's what I needed those first few days. Now Emmy does sleep in her bassinet, but it was gradual and I had to wait until I was ready.

Love Takes on a New Dimension Anyone who has children will tell you that they never knew that level of love existed. I loved Emmy from the moment I saw her tiny heartbeat in the ultrasound, and while that love grows with every smile, coo, and midnight feeding, I expected it. What completely caught me off guard is that I now love Dan in a whole new way. Having his support during labor when I was sure I couldn't do it, and the look he gave me the second Emmy was born opened up a broader spectrum of love. Dan was simply made to be a dad. He changes diapers (we're using and loving cloth by the way), gives bottles at 4am, reassures me that I'm an amazing mom, and tells me I'm beautiful when I'm wearing the same sweatpants for the third day in a row. I'm so thankful for the man he is, and while I was already completely crazy about my husband, I'm now also in love with him as Emmy's dad.

If you have children, you probably relate to this post. If you don't but you're thinking about it, I hope I haven't scared you away. My biggest advice to any expecting mommas out there would be to recruit help, go easy on yourself, and when you feel like you can't possibly function you've had so little sleep, listen to all those country songs about how time flies, have a good cry, and then snuggle that baby.